Saturday, February 23, 2008

不可不信,不可全信

最近几天不是没写东西,只是没贴。前两天趴在地上做作业,看见角落里一外壳内芯分家的日记本,随手拿起翻一翻,轰隆隆,脑子里打起了雷。我记得那年我十四岁,第一次享受没有父母耳提面命的自由,走在路上也不会被当小孩儿。那时候的想法,愿望,对自己和世界的看法都很简单也很明朗,,傻得让我都不好意思。可是现在如果能让我回到那个状态,那是巴不得。上一次我读这本日记的时候,三年前左右,还没有发现经验上的断层。可以看到自己有改变,但是是持续的,逐渐的,有序可循。现在再来看,真的不是一个人,也想不到曾经是一个人。这究竟是什么东西的力量?我身边的环境,严格地讲,和我十四岁的时候并无巨大区别,家人朋友,相熟的同学,一些知道和不知道名字的人,作为权威存在着的学校,社会离我还是很远。这究竟是怎么回事?
又,两年以来,我觉得我这人已经定型了。现在看两年前写的信,完全可以作为今天写的信寄出。
又,我对纯学术生涯很排斥,但又不是个社会性的人,也意识到自己太冷漠,即便是对血肉至亲都不够体贴和感激,同时短视,保持着这么个blog除了自己什么都讲不出来,一想别的就失语。
只感觉前面的路真够让人迷茫。
世界太大,我太小。世界太小,我太大。装不下。
又,今天看到了很逼真的布艺假花。有很大朵的,纯白的,花瓣很自然地簇成一团炸开,让我想起狮子头的花,有向来都喜欢的,细长枝的小花长在茂盛的杂草丛中,还有一株独的荷花,有两三盘叶子,样子很讨喜,美中不足的是都配得是玻璃花瓶。我想如果是瓦罐或者是别的什么更粗一点材质的,样子憨一点的瓶瓶碗碗会与人更亲近一些。自然真花是最好不过的,脑子里被灌入了一个意象后,再也转不出来。在后院里有一口大缸,里面养了荷花,在水深处有金鱼出没,这等黑暗中的华丽,怎能不触目惊心?
又,两个星期前,想起一个典故,自己买了啤酒,一直放在冰箱里。大家也知道,对于我这种对酒精很迟钝的人,也算稀奇了。想想看,日子也不过这样,我知道它在哪里,想要热闹想要清静都可以自行索取,但是现在,for now,我想,还是先让它继续待在冰箱里好了。
我写这些又,如果是写p.s.,早些成p.p.s., p.p.p.s.了。
Apparently, someone finds this funny.
又,那些来看我,我去看的可爱人儿啊,虽然我们不再说话了,不代表我们不记得了。我时时惦记着你们,遥遥相望,这样子也挺好。

新的一年,希望都平安,适当地忧郁和欢畅。

 

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Canada and the Asia-Pacific Promise: Hope, Hype and Reality


Sun-Kyung Yi, Filmmaker, Toronto

I wasn't sure what to expect at the conference, but when I saw the list of delegates and all those degrees after their names I immediately became intimidated, because one thing my parents taught me to respect are those alphabets after people's names. So I thought, my God, what am I doing!

Unfortunately, I don't have much to add to Audrey, except I don't agree with lots of things she said. My experience is very different. I'm a Korean immigrant. I came here as a child. I was very angry. I didn't feel that I belonged to Canada. I didn't want to belong in Canada. Nor, did Canada really want me.

What I've heard in the last couple of days in this conference was basically hope for the bright future of Canada. The hype. Multiculturalism is beautiful. Isn't this great. The merging of cultures, coming together. We can learn and we'll be wiser for it.

Unfortunately, I cannot share that view with you right now because, unlike Audrey, Korean immigrants do not have that kind of racist history in Canada. The first wave of Korean immigrants came in the 1970s. Most of us became corner store owners. The government did not reject Koreans, nevertheless, I chose to reject Canada.

The whole concept of assimilation, I agree it is crucial to survive in Canada. You need to assimilate. There has to be a host country. You have to show some respect, if not acceptance or understanding.

We cannot have loads of immigrants coming to this country every year and expect Canada to change and accommodate all these changes, when we have over 100 different ethnicities, races, cultures, religions, languages. It just won't work.

Somebody has to be the role model because, after all, immigrants are coming into this country for the better life. They come to Canada for a specific dream that they have. They do not want to come into another country full of chaos and confusion.

The reason I hold this view is that I came, for some God- awful reason I don't know, my parents decided to settle down in Saskatchewan and I was only the Asian student throughout my high school.

Of course, I was subjected to racism and discrimination. When I told my parents about it, they just said, get over it and get a straight A and you'll be better. So, the word racism literally did not exist in my vocabulary.

I came to Toronto to work for The Globe and Mail six years ago after I finished university. I got on a Spadina bus in Chinatown and for the first time in my life I felt scared. It was full of Asians and the only white person was the bus driver. I come from a city where I sit on the bus [and] people don't sit beside me. They'd rather stand, than sit beside an Asian student.

So, for me to get on this bus with all these Asians bringing their fish and groceries onto the bus I was convinced the bus driver was going to stop and ask all of us to leave. I didn't realize growing up in Regina that I had the right to say no. I didn't know that. By the time I realized it, it was too late.

I had a certain bias and perspective on what immigration and multiculturalism policies should be in Canada.

I went to school [and] my principal asked me to change my name, because he said, you won't get any friends if you had a name nobody could pronounce. So, I became Angela. It was just kind of picked out of the blue. My parents never thought of saying no, because it came from an authority. And in our tradition if you say no to a principal or an authority figure you suffer consequences.

So, I come to Toronto and I hear all these different lobby groups, protest groups, saying we want our rights. I wasn't sure what they were talking about. They just came to Canada. They hardly had any time to unpack and they're already expecting what their rights should be. And I didn't understand. I've always separated myself. There was always them and us, us and them.

Over the years I've managed to jump over the line. Sometimes I became Canadian and sometimes not, because this whole hyphenated Canadian, Korean-Canadian, just didn't work for me. I had to be one or the other.

So, for me the line was always there: Them and us. The Canadians were never other immigrants. There were never other visible minorities, regardless of how many generations there had been, because growing up in the Prairies I identified Canadians as white, liberal-minded Caucasians of European background.

So, I come here and I finally discover people are very sensitive. This whole political correctness takes place. You can't say that. You can't ask this question, you can't ask that question. But, you're Korean so you can get away with it.

From the perspective of a very liberal Canadian, my views probably sound very twisted, because I'm not holding a very politically correct view on anything. I agree that we should be more culturally sensitive, but I also think there are more urgent, bigger issues we have to face.

I don't care if somebody asks me, where are you from and why do you have that accent?

The biggest issue is nobody is coming out of this cultural ghetto that we've created for ourself, whether it be Korea, China, you name a country.

They all build this wall around their ghetto and they don't come out. They can give you 101 excuses why it's the way it is. But it still doesn't make it right. I don't see that as contributing to the Canadian mosaic. I see that as a further and further rift between the communications system, between mainstream Canada, the whole society and ethnic minorities. And it's just going to get worse.

Now my views are further skewed by the fact I just spent the past year working with illegal immigrants and refugees in this country.

In the past six years as a journalist, I've interviewed and met hundreds of immigrants, refugees, illegals, legals. I've heard every horror story there is to hear. Trust me, those people are not well-educated, sophisticated or enlightened group of people. A lot of them have never seen a toilet before. One family I visit their house, they have water in their bathtub all the time just in case there's a drought in Canada.

I deal with probably a not very ideal, attractive group that Canada would like as their immigrants. I deal with criminals, prostitutes, petty thieves, people convicted of assault charges, welfare cheats.

You want to get a fake ID? I can give you a number where to go and get one.

After dealing with these people for a year; they're from Asia, European, all kinds of backgrounds, I really do get concerned where this country is going.

Obviously, I'm not objecting to allowing immigrants and refugees into this country. I think that is necessary, but I think it is very crucial what kind of rules and regulations we set in place.

Yes, this is a big country. We could probably accommodate half of China in this country and half of Europe if you want. But what kind of standards are we setting? Immigrants are coming to this country for a better life. They want to change their lifestyle. They're fleeing political persecution in their own country.

If Canada doesn't watch out and protect what we have, we'll lose what we've built up in the last few years and it will defeat the purpose of this country.

This is supposed to be a land of immigrants, yes. But to what extent; who do we let in, who do we kick out? The bottom line is they're all here to stay. What are we going to do about the assimilation problem?

I hold the view that people need to be assimilated. They can't stay in their little cultural ghettos forever, because it just isn't contributing to the wider society. The Canadian spirit isn't there and people are forever asking, what are Canadian values?

I think we can start off by asking those people inside the ghettos to break down the wall and say, what do you want?

The answers you get should be pretty interesting.

When I do say Canadians, I really do literally mean white Caucasian Canadians, because after 20 years in Canada I still haven't brought myself to count myself as a Canadian. I am a Canadian on paper. Physically I am in Canada, but mentally and spiritually I could never make myself feel comfortable in this country.

The problem is I don't really fit in in Korea, either. So, I'm kind of in between places right now.

Standing here I don't see many Asian faces, so I feel like I'm preaching to the converted. I don't know what perspective you have when it comes to the invisible world of immigrants, who are not well educated, who do not contribute to society, either financially or spiritually, or any other way; where a family of six is crammed into a little basement apartment collecting welfare.

When refugee families are running from deportation, I really don't understand how the Canadian system, the Canadian government, could let this happen. They can't exactly blame the refugees for wanting a safer place. Actually they have the right to do that!

But, Canada should have considered what we are going to do with those people, how we are going to take care of them, before we opened the door to those people.

Every immigrant that comes to Canada, whether they're from Hong Kong, Korea, China, Japan, they have a certain expectation of this country.

What's happened, however, in the last few years — because we've had such a big influx of immigrants — [is that] Canada ended up changing constantly to accommodate the newcomers. The newcomers come here. They don't know the system. They don't know the law. They don't know the rules and regulations. So, even if they wanted to go out there and start contributing they don't where to start, how to start. The language is a problem. Many of them are unskilled labourers. So, when I think of immigration and multicultural issues, I have a hard time thinking of it in a song and dance kind of, everything is perfect, the future is bright, isn't this great, my children have friends from all over the world.

What I see is the pain, suffering, resentment, anger, confusion. And until we get that sorted out, or have some system in place, I don't think we'll have [as] a bright a future, as many of you think.

http://www.couch.ca/history/1997/yi.html





I listened to this debate on tolerance in Canada while doing the dishes. It hit the right notes. Memories got flushed up.

Ms.Yi, please keep on.

 

 

Sunday, February 3, 2008

Memo

I tried to write down every notable/interesting thought that occurred to me today, just to see what happens. Here are the results.

*

The average receipt is created for some (usually) insignificant event (such as the purchase of shampoo or chandeliers or simply movie tickets). It only gets looked at twice during its entire existence: once when it's handed to you over the counter, once when you take it out of your pocket, to discard it as trash. Sometimes, the receipt doesn't even make it to the pocket.

The reference number of everyday banking transactions suffers a similar fate.

 

*

There are small rituals that brighten our days. For some people, it's the shower. The sound of water pounding. The warmth that contrasts with the weather outside. The misty reflection of your rosy cheeks in the mirror. By scrubbing yourself scrupulously clean, you renew yourself and shed the unpleasant thoughts.

There are also small rituals that suck life completely out of us, for example, when you sit down with someone, before that person even opens his/her mouth, you know exactly what you will hear and what you will answer. The path you are travelling on is so familiar: It's a long corridor with only one door painted at the very end. You cannot get away from here.
There is no other way.

 

*

She walked around and offered her heart to everyone, like a little kid offering to share a lollipop. Apparently, most grown-ups found that completely gross. She didn't care.

 

*

"How can you tell if somebody likes you? "
"Well, it's easy. They see in you, not through you."
"How do you tell if you like them back?"
"You look back."

 

*

The worst thing you can ever do to someone is trying to change that person.
The best thing you can ever do for someone is trying to change yourself.
Vice versa.

 

*

It looks like people are better at sharing grieves than at sharing happiness. It is relatively easier to empathize with pain than with joy. The first occasion gives birth to sympathy and the second one, jealousy.

 

*

To think of it, what separates us is always a difference in tastes.
Optimists and pessimists. Party animals and book worms. Hit men and poets. Libertines and prudes. Saints and sinners. Men and Women. Adults and children.
Are we better off with someone similar or not?

 

*

To broaden one's horizon.
He took a pair of scissors and opened the sky.

 

*

I hate myself when I do that, when I become a puppet of my emotions, to have my feelings guide me, shutting down my head. So pathetic and vulnerable, like a wet puppy yelping out of love.

I also hate myself when I am calculating, weighing the pros and cons, deciding with cold reasoning what shall and what shall not. Removed from the realm of emotions, a lonely robot planning the course of its existence over the next millennium, simulating life, simulating love.

 

But none of that matters anymore when I am filled with love. The tides, the stars, the trees, the robots and the puppies, all the words in the worlds that can be counted, we are one when we are filled with love.


*

The mind and the body. Two envelopes, or one?
Is it the body that traps the lightness of being, or is it the mind that instills, in us,the fear of flying?


*

What does it mean to be in control? To be strong? To have the upper-hand?

Is it to cover yourself with bandages that numb all deceptions? To be on the receiving end, not the giving end? To be above all of it when the others weep?

 

I am tired of all these theories. I will join the dance.
I will dance in the fire, every hair ablaze.
I will dance myself to annihilation.

Ten minutes of intense pain is better than numbness.
Anything is better than numbness.
Everything is better than numbness.

 

*

Sleep is the best natural therapy there is.
During the first minutes after you exit the stupor of slumber,
not only you forget about the nightmares,
you forget about all the thoughts that haunted you.
Your mind is a field covered by fresh snow, undisturbed.
You fell well rested and happy with yourself.
Peace.