少年的昙花一现

小时候，也就是当我年龄还是个位数的时候，觉得20很老，30，40直接不在可理解的范围内，50，60想都没想过。那时候及之后也一直肯定过，自己活不过三十，或者说，想象不出自己做一个大人的样子。成为a fully functional member of the society，这种想法不是一星半点的恐怖。随着年纪的增长，我的恐惧之心不但没有消失，反而愈加严重。三十岁，或者更早一些，自己付电费，自己买人寿保险，自己挑选冰箱和洗衣机，并选择付款方式，自己通下水道，自己保留所有重要支出的发票报税，自己关心各银行的存款利率，自己买牛奶，并记住在保质日期之前喝完，自己订机票订旅馆，选择度假行程，自己定期见医生，和他讨论天气，股票，和后半夜怎样睡不着觉。
Trainspotting.有人会说。Trainspotting，我同意。

对于三十岁的恐怖不是因为这些事情有多么荒诞，而是因为我理解到，这些事情是不可或缺的。我，如果要活下去，会自然而然的，按部就班的，走上这条道路。如果不去做这些事情，也可以活下去，但那不是一种安稳的，有规律的活法。那会让人害怕，不知道什么时候会掉到社会的缝隙里去。

Ivan Karamazov
As I sat here just now, do you know what I was saying to myself? That even if I had no faith in life, had lost my faith in the woman who was dear to me, lost my faith in the order of things, even gained the conviction that everything was, on the contrary, a disorderly, accursed and possibly, devilish chaos, even if I were overwhelmed by all the horrors of human disenchantment – I should still want to go on living and, having once put my lips to that cup, would not turn away from it until I had drained it to the end! Though actually, by the time I am thirty, I shall probably fling down the cup even though I haven’t drained it all and go away …where, I don’t know. But until I am thirty, I know this with assurance: my youth will prevail over everything - all disenchantment, all revulsion at life.

综合Ivan的看法，30岁以前是年轻的贪念在行驶，那么之后就是理性占上风了。